Nothing obsesses the righties quite like jiggy-beast. Whenever a conservative preaches family values with a frankly suspicious zeal, we know how it’ll end; he’ll be found tool-in-hand with a noose around his neck, stockings on his short fat hairy legs and a tangerine rammed up his corn hole. It’s the way of the world; the sun comes up, the flowers blossom in spring, sport stars bang cocktail waitresses and conservatives play footsie in men’s toilets.
It’s worth noting that the Marquis De Sade did his best work (by which I mean, his most depraved work) in the confines of a prison cell in the Bastille or in his Charenton mental asylum. In real life, his sexual exploits were pretty tame by modern standards… actually, pretty tame by conservative standards. Being buggered by a man servant, being whipped by a dominatrix or pouring hot wax on a prostitute are pretty standard fare among conservative baby-kissers. Sade became the world’s most celebrated pervert not by his deeds, but by his riotous imagination. Repression, be it forced upon an individual by circumstances as in the case of Sade, or forced upon an individual by ideology as in the case of our conservative friends, can do really strange things to people.
Conservatives frequently display the Sadean cause-and-effect process of denial upon imagination. When you and I think of homosexuals, we presume that they have sex, climax, peck each other on the lips and then fall asleep like straight men. Conservatives on the other hand imagine that homosexuals are locked for weeks on end in ungodly embrace with literally hundreds of other writhing bodies, including the bodies of children and horses. For conservatives it seems, there is no mundanity in gay sex; no premature ejaculation, no body image issues, no, “actually, I’m not into that”, or, ”I’m tired, I’ve had a busy day”. It’s the last days of Rome every hour of every day. All gay men are satanic sexual athletes out to enslave the world for the obscene glory of their mammoth members. Those nice middle aged couples who frequent tea shops and collect antiques never seem to register with conservatives. Such is the nature of repression; when the body is denied contact with reality, there is no cap on the imagination.
Which brings me to abstinence. This notion that the answer to sexual desire is no sex at all is quite obviously an attempt by conservatives to impose their misery upon the rest of us, but also I think a vain attempt to control themselves, to make it stop. Christian dogma has always held that sexual desire is someone else’s fault. Rape? She was asking for it by dressing as a whore. She was an agent of the devil, sent to tempt me… a fallen woman. I’m the victim here. If only women were chaste and innocent and modestly dressed, it would never have happened, right? The way and the light is to deny sexuality, to contain it within marriage, to ban it from public life, to abstain. But sexuality, especially teenage sexuality, cannot be controled by abstinence. You may as well try to stop people dying of cholera by banning water, and that is precisely what promoting abstinence does; try to prevent the, “disease” not by tackling it directly, but by preaching, “to prevent cholera, you must never drink water, ever. You know you really don’t want to drink water anyway, your body doesn’t need it and it doesn’t want it, it’s just peer pressure…”
Well, this be the truth. Abstinence doesn’t work. It cannot work, it’s impossible. Oscar Wilde once said, “I can resist anything except temptation”, and deep down, conservatives get that… after all, Oscar probably bumped into many a conservative when he was, “dining with the Asquiths”*. There is only one thing that can prevent teenagers from having sex, one sure-fire, solid gold, tried and tested method of prevention: acne. Teenagers, especially teenage boys, will get it any which way they can. Only a face full of pus volcanoes will rein them in. Christians shouldn’t be campaigning for a ban on condoms and Planned Parenthood; they should be calling for a ban on Clearisil. They should be picketing at the CVS, not the health clinic.
Of course, simple common sense is never going to persuade conservatives to stop being brainless dicks. Look at Palin, a woman who only has to look at her own daughter to see the evidence that abstinence doesn’t work, but… no, can’t see it. So let’s talk to them in a language they can understand:
You know that book you have? You know, the only book you have. The Bible, yes that’s it. Open it. Go on, open it. Find the Book of Genesis, Chapters Two and Three. Go on, read it. Did you enjoy that? Okay, let’s talk about Eve. She lived in the garden of Eden with hunky Adam, right? It was paradise. She had everything she could possibly want. But there was one thing- ONE THING- that she was not allowed to do: eat from the tree of knowledge. And what did she do? She ate from the fucking tree of knowledge! Why? Because a fucking talking snake told her to. And if Eve listened to a talking snake over a father that gave her paradise, what the fucking fuck makes you think that your daughter won’t listen to a trouser snake over a father that only gives her a pool and a cellphone?
Exactly. Now shut the fuck up.
* “Dining with the Asquiths”, is an English euphemism for gay men in the closet, especially men in heterosexual marriages. It comes from the film Wilde, starring Stephen Fry as Oscar. Whenever Wilde leaves his wife Constance with the kids in order to indulge in a spot of bum-fun with renters, he tells the hapless Constance, “I’ll be late home this evening, I’m dining with the Asquiths”.
