Britain goes to the polls tomorrow. All the parties offer magical solutions to save the country from recession.

Now, I don’t think anyone (at least not anyone who is sane) takes election promises seriously, from the left or from the right. Every party promises no more tax hikes, claiming it can magically reduce spending without reducing quality. Then they’re elected and holy crap, it just ain’t possible. Politicians have been, “cutting red tape” for hundreds of years now. In reality there’s very little waste in frontline government departments, far less waste than in the private sector. I know, I was a civil servant for 10 years. Government is actually remarkably efficient. Red Tape is a mystical beast, an electoral unicorn, the political Holy Grail.

Basically, the current rhetorical back-and-forth is just the usual electoral old cock. The tory press bleats, “Labour said no more taxes but they raised National Insurance and they burdened us with stealth taxes and corporation tax!”. Well, fair enough. But you heard Cameron’s masterplan in the last debate: tough on glossy leaflets, tough on the causes of glossy leaflets. On the one hand, the tories are going to save the world with cuts in waste, on the other hand don’t panic chaps, it’s only a pound in every hundred. Well it can’t be both, can it? Either it’s massive cuts to government services (which would be disastrous) or it’s pissing around on the fringes… no more glossy leaflets, we’ll inform the public via carrier pigeon.

Nick Clegg seems nice… liberals always seem nice. They’re a Toyota Prius. They’re jammy dodgers. The Vicar of Dibley. They’re a sunday evening with a box of chocolates, stroking the cat in front of Highway with Harry Secombe. They’re a school sports day where the fat, wheezy boys get a little badge just for taking part. Beatrix Potter and Enid Blyton. Just what the country needs… Five Go Take On Al Qaeda.

As the righties so often say, what drives an economy is self-interest. Greed is good, folks. Well, here’s the teensy weensy flaw in their argument; for about 75% of us, it’s in our self-interest to vote for a party that believes in government, that believes in a strong welfare system and in fairness. It’s better for our bottom line because here’s the news: we’re not multi-bloody-millionaires, so quit the aspirational voting horseshit and the Del Boy fantasies. You could lose your job at any moment, your parents could get a serious illness and need long-term care, you could lose your savings paying for granny’s nursing home. So screw the government debt scare stories and be selfish. The UK is not sodding Greece. Nobody is saying that Labour are perfect (they’re too right wing if you ask me) but holy mary with a hernia, the Eton Rifles and the Devon Disney Club are never going to act in your best interests.

It’s a question of policies, not personalities. Britain’s recession is not Gordon Brown’s doing. Britannia hasn’t ruled the waves since the invention of the motor car, so get over it and quit the little farce that Britain is an autonomous power and the PM is responsible for this recession. It is completely idiotic to blame Downing Street for the crimes of Wall Street.

I realise that Gordon Brown is hardly the most endearing personality around. What images are conjured up by this sentence: “Member of Parliament for Kirkaldy and Cowdenbeath”? Exactly. It conjures up an image of a ruddy-faced, dour, mean-spirited Scotsman for whom sunshine is merely something that happens to other people. It’s not sexy. No amount of airbrushing can make it so. Well, good. Britain needs to be led by an experienced intellectual with sound moral principles, not a bloody game show host.

The Labour Party- flaws, failures, illegal wars and all- is the only party that will ever effectively provide the country with a safety net for the vulnerable. Labour’s core values and motivations serve the majority of the electorate. Labour policies expand the middle class, tory policies expand the underclass. The Liberals… well, they’re Liberals. Let them organise village fetes and local councils, they’re good at that. Vote old misery guts back into office tomorrow.