So the US won a game at the World Cup, and the Liberals are real excited. The Liberals are using Brandon Donneley or whatever he’s called to try to kill our beautiful country and our American exceptionalism. They want us to take our place among the nations of the earth and live in peace and harmony, and soccer is their weapon of choice.
Well we’re not playing, Liberals. We hate your damn soccer game. We love our Baseball, so sucks to be you. We love it because it’s OURS, because we can have a national championship and call it a World Series, because we love sports where we know that America will always win because that’s how it should be.
Nothing happens in soccer. It’s a low scoring game where people just run around and they don’t use their hands and they bounce a ball off their heads which is real goofy. Baseball, now that’s a real exciting game. What could be better than eating three times your body weight in hot dogs while watching a bunch of fat guys, sorry, athletes? Take the recent Phillies - Marlins game. Fat guy throws the ball at a fat guy with a stick. Fat guy with a stick misses the ball. Repeat 27 times. And that, my friends, is what we call a perfect game. So exciting it’ll make your heart explode. If those high-calorie hot dogs don’t get you first.
Soccer is unAmerican. In fact, it’s nothing short of COMMUNISM. North Korea plays it, so do the Cubans. But they don’t play baseball, do they? Oh shit, yes they do. Anyways, soccer is still Communist. They even have games (lots of games) where there is NO WINNER and NO LOSER. Hell, I bet Karl Marx himself was one of those damn goal-tenders.
In US sports we have a free market, where the richest teams get to buy the best players and stay on top for decades. We would never, ever have a draft system where the weakest teams get to choose the best young players. That’s what they do in soccer all over the world. Because they’re Socialists, they can’t help themselves. They see a weak team that’s always losing and they just have to give ‘em a handout.
Look what happens to a soccer team that runs up debts and goes into administration. If the soccer people acted like Americans, they would say, “your team is bankrupt, it’s your fault so don’t go looking to us for handouts. Go find yourself an investor. In fact, you know what? Not only will we do jack shit to help you, we’ll even punish you by deducting points from your team… how you like them apples, asshat? Don’t be such a bad capitalist in future!” That’s the American Way. Europeans would never act like that.
Whatever way you slice it, soccer is fundamentally unAmerican, and anyone who watches the thing is committing TREASON. You are only watching the game because you HATE AMERICA. If you loved your country, you would watch a game that stops for commercials every 15 seconds. You would hate a game where all humanity- Black and White, Latin American and Asian, tall and short, fast and slow- get to excel and contribute to team play according to ability and effort. You would see that such a game is incompatible with the vision of our Founding Fathers, who would champion our Real American, segregated sports (Blacks on the field, Whites in the seats). Washington’s folks would’ve hated soccer, being English and all. This worldwide obsession with ball-kicking is a threat to our precious freedoms.
So go to hell, Liberal soccer-lovers. Stop trying to shove this damn Communist-Socialist-Nazi-Progressive game down our liberty-loving throats. We don’t care about the World Cup, no matter how much the rest of the world wants us to care. And they really, really want us to care. Just look at their MLS and how desperate they are that we watch it. They just can’t respect our God-given right to loathe soccer, they won’t leave us alone. We never try to get them to love our sports, you don’t ever see NFL teams playing in London. Gosh, the NFL would never try to export their game by bankrolling a European league, would they? If they ever did that, how would the Europeans like it, huh? They would never say, “okay, it’s not for me” and leave Real Football to those that like it without complaint. Hell, those Commies would be rioting in the streets if we ever tried that.
So why should we stand idly by while our very nationhood is threatened by this evil sporting imperialism? We must rise up, assert our second amendment rights to foam hands and regular stoppages! God bless our excessive padding, our silly caps and silly team names! May God grant us yardage!
PS. I’ll change my mind if the US win! Go team!
