Do YOU need a fitness programme suited to your busy, glamorous lifestyle? Try ENGLISH FOOTBALL, our new 90 minute workout for a hard days’ shopping with the WAG and a hard nights’ shagging with a hooker. Call Fabio, your personal fitness trainer, who guarantees a sexy six-pack for all your Adidas ads and Vanity Fair photo-shoots.
But don’t take our word for it, listen to these satisfied customers:
Wayne, Manchester: “I was destined for a life of drinking meths, stealing car hubcaps and hanging around bus stops… now I’ve got a ferrari! Thanks English Football!”
Emile, Birmingham: “I was lying in A&E one day, having missed the door and walked into a wall. Again. That’s when I called Fabio, who told me that being a clumsy oaf was a valuable talent! Thanks English Football!”
Steven, Liverpool: “Well you know la, keep me head down, go to ‘arvey Nicks, buy the lot, down to Fendi then back to me 4th ‘ouse in me 15th motor, great eh sound, Fab’s the gaffer you know, cheers English Football, la.”
John, London: “Before I’d even fort abaht futbaw, I waz finkin ov workin’ in a bar in Magaluf, you get lowds a’ clunge aht there. Now I gets to bang loads a’ dirty blonde tarts wiv sexy orange bronzer, even uver blokes’ wives, the lot. It’s triffic. Cheers, Inglish Futbaw”.
Ashley, London: “Listen dahling, are you paying me for this endorsement? I don’t get out of bed for less than a hundred grand, capiche? Samantha, call my agent. And you! Yes YOU, you dirty oik! Get off my driveway, you grubby little poor person.”
David, Portsmouth: “Don’t you just love my hair? Isn’t it gorgeous? With Fabio’s help, you too could have a beautiful weave like mine, no matter how old you are! Call Fabio, it’s never too late!”
Frank, London: “You got any chips? Frigging starving over ‘ere.”
David, Los Angeles (sometimes): “I was washed out, injured and useless, and could no longer keep up my fitness regime. But Fabio was very sympathetic, and he suggested I sit on the bench with him, wearing a tight grey suit and looking like a tit. It really helped my media profile… I mean, I was worried that my wife might have to sing again, that’s how desperate I was. But with Fabio’s help, I could pretend that I was really important, and I got to be in a Star Wars commercial and spend a few days arseing about with James Corden. So thanks Fabio and thanks English Football!”
Peter, London: “All my life, people told me I was a freak of nature, a great giant skinny streak of piss who looked like Timmy from South Park. Now I’m knobbing a glamour model with absolutely massive tits. It’s brilliant. Thanks, English Football!”
Glen, Liverpool: “When I was a kid, I went to the circus and ever since that day all I’ve ever wanted to be was a clown, bringing laughter and joy to folk with my hilarious pratfalls. But clowns aren’t paid too well you know, they have to live in caravans like pikeys. Thanks to English Football, I got to be a clown with a 10 bedroom house in Cheshire and an Aston Martin! Thanks English Football!”
Ledley, London: “I can never do the whole fitness programme, the lads call me The Tampon: one week in, three weeks out. But that didn’t matter to Fabio: he’ll take anyone, even the chronically infirm. Thanks Fabio, and thanks English Football!”
So if you’re sick and tired of the real world, try English Football today! No effort necessary. English Football comes complete with an agent, a publicist, a VIP pass accepted in all of Europe’s swankiest brothels, and there’s more! Call today, and you’ll receive this deluxe, limited edition Bumper Book Of Pathetic Excuses, containing such classics as, ”we were tired”, “the ball was funny”, “the fans were horrid to us”, “the media were against us” and many, many more!
Call Fabio now on 1966-EYETIE-TWAT, and you too could live a life of luxurious, self-pitying indolence!
English Football requires an English passport and/or an English grandparent. English Football gives priority to the physically and mentally handicapped. English Football is an equal opportunities employer.
English Football! Money for nothing and your chicks for free!
